Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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