"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
