cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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