Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
