what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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