we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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