why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
