Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
