Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Im part way to drunk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
