I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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