i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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