sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I accidentally had phone sex last night
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
