Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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