Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
