honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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