I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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