Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she told me i tasted like america
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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