i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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