Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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