I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
