i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
