I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
