Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
