So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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