this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
