Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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