How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
