he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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