There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
