I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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