who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
