last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
