my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
