I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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