Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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