any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
