The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Also, beer. Big fan.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
