My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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