yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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