You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
