My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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