so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
