His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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