plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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