her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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