Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
