never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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