I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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