sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
