i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You know, be my cock's hype man.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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