11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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