Jerry, you need to find god
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
