It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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