she pinky promised me she was 18
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
