The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
