your room smells of hookers.
And success
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
