Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
