he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
honey bunches of taint.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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